Love Jones

There are some things in life that are inevitable. Success and failure are just two of the many. In the movie, Love Jones, actor Larenz Tate attempts to control how he feels about Nia Long. His demeanor suggested that the more time he spent with her; the more his feelings for her would develop. In an attempt not to allow his feelings to overwhelm him; he takes two giant steps back. Doesn't that sound familiar? Yes, I'm talking about you; and me as well! When we have something so good, fear of the unknown causes us to take two giant steps back. Some call it a defensive mechanism. But what are we really defending? We are defending the possibility of heartbreak. But again, some things are inevitable. Your heart may have been broken before or you may have no idea what it feels to have your heart broken; regardless where you fall in that category - you owe it to yourself to try! Why? Well, if you watched the rest of the movie, Larenz Tate took his two giant steps back and realized his life was no longer the same. The woman he tried so hard not to fall for - he had already fallen for and didn't realize it. So now that his life was unbalanced without her he did the smartest thing he could have done - run like hell and find her! When that love jones hits...there is no stopping it!

Jodeci

I have been flooded with emails and letters about people wondering about "intimacy". How important is it? If its not there, is it something that can be taught? Should it be one of my non-negotiables? While I understand that everyone's intimate need is different; what is the same and universal is everyone's need to feel "desired".

The crux of intimacy, no matter what ingredients you need, is the feeling to be desired. We all want to be desired! Being desired is not always captured in words of affection or affirmation, but is transferred through touch. We watch it on tv, we read it in steamy novels, and we talk about it with our closest friends. But all many of us do is talk about it, but never really experience what it is you desire.

I challenge each of you to start having those conversations. It is a part of relationships that doesn't come with a blueprint or directions. The part of relationships our parents have not groomed us in growing up. And the part of relationships that many of us have learned by trial and error. It doesn't have to be any longer if you open your mouth and feel comfortable expressing what it is you truly need and desire. Go and find that old school throwback CD, put it in, press play and let your mind be your playground!

I Want More (out of you)

Sometimes the inspiration to rekindle or to make right what seems like 'can't get right' is our ability to be selfless! Our selfish proclivity is innate. We have to go against what feels right or comfortable to be selfless. Nothing wrong with wanting what you want, but more times than not, the price you pay for what you want is not spoon fed or given on a silver platter. That price comes with seasons of being selfless. I mean seasons! You can't decide to be selfless for 30 days or even 12 months. Being selfless has to be part of your daily routine; which means sometimes you have to remind your self to be selfless. Its not easy. Put up sticky notes, write it on your outlook calendar as a reminder, have your accountability partner check in with you daily and ask you what selfless thing you did today. You want your relationship to go to the next level. It starts with you. Good luck on your journey. I believe in you!

The Shortage of Good Men

I find that the perilous notion that there is a shortage of good men is becoming more and more of a myth. While we have adopted this belief through the annals of tradition, I am convinced that good men still exist and are in record numbers. Yes, the % of men that are in jail has increased significantly, but so has the % of men who are graduating college; with not just a BA, but with Masters and PhD. The number of men who are homeowners has almost doubled from 2o years ago. The number of men who are own their own businesses has almost tripled from 20 years ago. So, its not that men are less successful now than men were 20 years ago; in fact men are more successful today. So what is the plight about the shortage of men? Well, the interesting X factor that very few people talk about is the amount of women who are doing it and doing it BIG! I applaud today's business professional woman who is making it on her own and is standing on her two feet. You (as women) have fought hard for this and it has come to fruition.

Now that women are standing on their own two feet and do not need to depend on a man for her financial stability and dependence; the game has changed. What women once looked at as being qualities to define a good man; such as good job, nice car, bank account, nice house now do not seem to be as attractive because today's woman has nicer jobs, bigger homes, and larger bank accounts than a lot of us men. And so the qualities have changed from material to aesthetic and emotional. Ok, I understand he has to be attractive for you, but the emotional part you have to give us some time. Some of those attributes being: a great listener, sensitive, patient, and understanding have not been taught to most men. We didn't grow up learning how to be great listeners, or sensitive, or even patient. And so, will you take the time to teach us? Men have been trained to be providers and now that women are providing for themselves, you must show us how to do the other things you need. Good men still exist; just show us how to be more of the things you desire and have an open mind to allow us to show you what we need as well!

Can We Talk

Often times our routine lifestyles hinder us from experiencing consistent excitement in our relationships. Instead of having open communication about what it is "missing" or even what we desire; we have enlisted in the belief that our significant others can read our minds, thoughts, and our aggravated body language.

Try talking about everything. I know we have been taught not to share everything at once in case we scare off a good thing. But I am confident in suggesting that if you don't share everything you run the risk of someone attending to only the needs you show them and the desires you speak about. I would rather lose someone in my life because what I share is too much for them to handle; rather than keep someone in my life and constantly walk on egg shells out of fear of them finding out the dark, secret side of me.

The excitement you seek is in the conversation you have yet to have. Talk about what turns you on, what you expect, if anything, places you would like to travel, things you would like to accomplish, and dreams yet to be fulfilled. When you do, you have someone who is in your circle to encourage and excite every inch of you!

The Closer I Get to You

You can make anything work, but why make something work when you can have someone you don't have to work so hard for. They say anything worth having is worth working for. That is true. But placing our efforts of "work" in a place where we have settled is different from placing our efforts of "work" in a place where we have surrendered our hearts.

The problem with submitting our hearts is submission comes with a price. And that price is riskier than any of us really want to make. Women will go for what is safe and secure and not risk giving their heart to someone who may not feel the same about them. Many make this choice because it is easier to deal with a man who has given her his heart than it is for a woman to surrender her heart to a man who is still unsure of where he really wants to be. Women are not interested in men who fluctuate like rain in the month of April. They are not interested in men who "think" they know what they want. Today's woman is tired of being with a man who almost has it all together. I'm not referring to his shortcomings or frailties. Women for years have learned to deal with that side of us, but what many women are refusing to deal with more and more these days is a man who wants her as his lover some days and a woman who he can treat like one of the boys on others. Women are no longer being toyed with like a trophy that collects dust over top the mantle in the living room. I can hear all of your whispers now, "It is either me or it's not me." And I applaud you!

Grocery Store

Over the weekend, I was in the grocery store buying some last minute items for the anticipated annual Memorial Day BBQ. As I stood in the self check line scanning my few items, I noticed that there was a rotten apple core and a yogurt cup sitting in the bottom of the plastic bag I was putting my groceries in. How rude was it that someone decided to throw their trash away here? I was appalled and even considered not coming back to this particular grocery store. As I removed the dingy plastic bag and replaced it with the clean bag underneath, I begin to think about relationships. Many of us would like to walk into a relationship and know that the person we've met has no issues or major problems. Contrary to what we've been taught, searching for a relationship without issues or problems will never happen. Like the grocery bag, we all have baggage or issues. Each one of us. There is a flaw, shortcoming, indiscretion, and quirk that befalls each of us. There is no getting around it. What we need to be careful of is that we do not accept trash instead of baggage. Trash has an odor and affects everything around it. No matter how you much lysol you spray, the pungent odor of trash will overcome the cleanliness. Trash is another way of saying your "non negotiables". Recognize today what things in a relationship you can handle and what things you can not. You know yourself better than anyone. Write down on a piece of paper 5 things that you absolutely won't be able to live with. I'm not talking about futile, silly things like a person who has smelly feet or no sense of fashion. Those are both things that can be changed. Keep this list handy, so as you pursue a new relationship or rekindle an existing one; know if its worth staying or worth getting into by examining your list. Do yourself this favor and the other person. No one wants to waste time or have their time wasted.

JO