Book Excerpt - Ch. 2 "5'5 with Brown Eyes"

Ah, singleness. Singles want to marry while too many married people yearn for the so-called glory of their former, single days. It’s amazing how far the term “single” has come. Back in the day, the word “single” was pretty simple and uncomplicated. A term just used for tax-filing purposes. But for new millennium, being single has literally transformed into a many-layered, living and breathing organism. A status symbol. You can be single with kids, single without kids, single due to divorce, single because you are in- between relationships, happily single, single but looking…and the list goes on and on. But before I go any further, I am wondering, which kind of “single” are you? I believe that if you took the time to pick up this book, you are trying to grapple with that very same question. My hope for you is that you will be able to locate your “true” status before you reach the final pages of this book and upon locating your status determine what kind of “single” you really want to be.

Book Excerpt - Ch 1. Dont Send out the Invitations

Fact is, before you meet “the one” there will be plenty of “the almosts” that will precede their arrival. And men, we will probably face this scenario more times than our female counterparts as most metropolitan areas boast a woman- to -man ratio that is something astronomical. What I want you to see is that meeting someone that answers your list of criteria is not necessarily a sign that he or she is “the one” for you. Sometimes, “the one” that is for you may not come for several months—or even years. And if that is how it was meant to be, can you trust that your paths will meet in the due course of time? While it hurts to know that the person we’ve invested so much of our time, love, and commitment in may not be “the one,” it is time that we face that hard truth. The hard truth lies in the reality that you know you should have left him a long time ago, but his nonsense apologies, superficial gifts, and broken promises keep you hanging on a wish that he will change. But change is not anything he can sign up for or take a class for, and then emerge standing tall as the new valedictorian. Change is something that comes as a result of being tired of your stagnant situation and realizing that you deserve more. Stop dropping your bucket in a well that has been dried up.

Trading Places

One fact about men is - we love a woman who can take the initiative. From moments of intimacy to last minute decision making; a woman who can take the initiative is very attractive. For years, it was unheard of for a woman to pick up the restaurant bill, buy gifts for her man when it wasn't Christmas or his birthday, and plan a date (even picking him up). And now we are beginning to see more and more of that. Some women are stuck in the traditional way of thinking and feel as if men are the ones who are to continue to do all of these things, but we as a people evolve. And its nothing wrong with the change that comes with that. It's more important to recognize what your partner wants and is comfortable with.

Some men still love to pay for every bill and work while the woman stays at home (rare these days), but if that is what he wants, if she is with him, than she doesn't mind him doing that. But if you are a man who would like to "share" some of those responsibilities - don't hesitate to share that with the one that you are with. If not, you will find yourself frustrated and she wouldn't even know why. As helpful as it would be, we can not read each other's minds. We are two different creatures and think on two separate wavelengths. Save the charades for game night and share with your partner what you would like on date night!

All or Nothing

Acclaimed R&B musical guru and singer, Joe, came out with a song years ago entitled "All or Nothing". In the opening verse of this persuasive song he says, "I've gotta have all or nothing, Baby with me there is no maybe, If you want to be my lady,
It's all or nothing. Poignantly speaking, this is exactly how the vast majority of us feel. Women, contrary to what we (as men) may try to portray, if you allow us to push the envelope; we will continue to push it without restraint for boundaries. Let me put it this way, without boundaries we have a hard time understanding when to say no.

At some point in your friendship or relationship, there has to be that conversation of, "so what are we doing, building, or working towards". I know within this new millennium women have been taught not to ask men those questions because you may run the risk of running them away. And for the first few times you hang out I would wholeheartedly agree. You never want to share too much too soon. But understand, if you don't have this conversation...while you are thinking that he is only into you and is no longer "playing the field", he on the other hand may not be thinking like that. And actually, it is OK for him to "play the field", until there is conversation not to. Many of you have been debating on whether or not to have this talk - and if you've debated back and forth; I think now is the time. You owe it to your emotional stability to sleep at night knowing where he/she stands in your life.

Love Lost

I was recently asked by a few special people in my life, if going back to an old love is wrong or outdated. Boldly speaking, I don't see it as a bad thing or something you shouldn't consider. There is a reason you were initially attracted to that person equally as there is a stronger reason why you are no longer with that person. Although, the weight of letting them go tipped the scale over; there is undoubtedly an amount of love you still have for that person.

The # 1 thing you need to consider, reconsider, and consider again is, can you live with the fact that if you go back that the person is still the same? Honestly, the reason you parted was because there was an imbalance and there was not a compromise the two of you could agree on. And because of that, what you are saying if you go back is - you are willing to compromise NOW. You are willing to let go of the area you so wish he/she would change. The love you have for them has gotten to the place it has overshadowed that flaw. And if you are at the place, I applaud you and embrace you going back and reigniting that love again. If you are not at that place, don't do yourself or them a disservice by returning. The road is wide, plenty of opportunity for your heart to breathe again and one day love again.

Emergency Exit

If you've ever flown anywhere, you would remember the monotone, rehearsed speech of the flight attendant ushering everyone to wear their seatbelt and be mindful of the emergency exits. The emergency exit is not supposed to be used unless there is an emergency. You wouldn't think of opening the emergency exit if everything on the flight is going well. But, in the error of life, if the plane was experiencing technical difficulties, the emergency exit is used as Plan B.

Many of us have not thought about a Plan B when it comes to relationships. Like the emergency exit, Plan B should not be used unless there is an emergency. Im not talking about a fight over who paid the last bill, a fight over where you want to spend this years vacation, or a fight over what school the kids should go to; but im talking about being in a relationship where you are the only one who is giving and the other person is merely just "milking" the relationship. They have no intention to give anything and have even professed they are not adding anything else to the relationship. Truth be told, this is why a lot of women stay in broken and dilapidated relationships. Not because they don't deserve better because God knows that you do, but you stay because you have no other option. You have not created a Plan B and now that it is an emergency; you are forced to stay in a dead end relationship.

You are worth more than a broken or one-sided relationship. Let me remind you what you desire in your heart, you can have. Your current condition is not your final destination. When the door shuts; make sure you know how to get to the back room and pry open the window! Your best days are ahead of you...

Im Not the One who Hurt You

Subconsciously, we allow the pain and hurt from "old" relationships to permeate new ones. We don't do it on purpose, but just like if someone tries to hit you; naturally your body will flinch and protect itself against the attack. That is the same way we respond to hurt. Once we have been hurt we develop a natural tendency to "flinch" the next time someone tries to hurt us.

Our minds remember the symptoms that resulted in the hurt. And so, if our new relationship shows symptoms of hurt, we "flinch". Sometimes our "flinching" is warranted and other times its not. For example, if the one who hurt you was texting someone he shouldn't be and you found it; does that mean you should look through your next relationship's phone? No, it doesn't, but often times we make the next person pay for what the last one did.

At some point, you are going to have to let that go and recognize they are not them and as long as you continue to treat them like they are you will never grow (alone or together). I want you to grow and experience the bliss in your relationship. Remember not to make the new one pay for the old one's mistakes.