Book Excerpt - Ch. 2 "5'5 with Brown Eyes"

Ah, singleness. Singles want to marry while too many married people yearn for the so-called glory of their former, single days. It’s amazing how far the term “single” has come. Back in the day, the word “single” was pretty simple and uncomplicated. A term just used for tax-filing purposes. But for new millennium, being single has literally transformed into a many-layered, living and breathing organism. A status symbol. You can be single with kids, single without kids, single due to divorce, single because you are in- between relationships, happily single, single but looking…and the list goes on and on. But before I go any further, I am wondering, which kind of “single” are you? I believe that if you took the time to pick up this book, you are trying to grapple with that very same question. My hope for you is that you will be able to locate your “true” status before you reach the final pages of this book and upon locating your status determine what kind of “single” you really want to be.

Book Excerpt - Ch 1. Dont Send out the Invitations

Fact is, before you meet “the one” there will be plenty of “the almosts” that will precede their arrival. And men, we will probably face this scenario more times than our female counterparts as most metropolitan areas boast a woman- to -man ratio that is something astronomical. What I want you to see is that meeting someone that answers your list of criteria is not necessarily a sign that he or she is “the one” for you. Sometimes, “the one” that is for you may not come for several months—or even years. And if that is how it was meant to be, can you trust that your paths will meet in the due course of time? While it hurts to know that the person we’ve invested so much of our time, love, and commitment in may not be “the one,” it is time that we face that hard truth. The hard truth lies in the reality that you know you should have left him a long time ago, but his nonsense apologies, superficial gifts, and broken promises keep you hanging on a wish that he will change. But change is not anything he can sign up for or take a class for, and then emerge standing tall as the new valedictorian. Change is something that comes as a result of being tired of your stagnant situation and realizing that you deserve more. Stop dropping your bucket in a well that has been dried up.

Trading Places

One fact about men is - we love a woman who can take the initiative. From moments of intimacy to last minute decision making; a woman who can take the initiative is very attractive. For years, it was unheard of for a woman to pick up the restaurant bill, buy gifts for her man when it wasn't Christmas or his birthday, and plan a date (even picking him up). And now we are beginning to see more and more of that. Some women are stuck in the traditional way of thinking and feel as if men are the ones who are to continue to do all of these things, but we as a people evolve. And its nothing wrong with the change that comes with that. It's more important to recognize what your partner wants and is comfortable with.

Some men still love to pay for every bill and work while the woman stays at home (rare these days), but if that is what he wants, if she is with him, than she doesn't mind him doing that. But if you are a man who would like to "share" some of those responsibilities - don't hesitate to share that with the one that you are with. If not, you will find yourself frustrated and she wouldn't even know why. As helpful as it would be, we can not read each other's minds. We are two different creatures and think on two separate wavelengths. Save the charades for game night and share with your partner what you would like on date night!

All or Nothing

Acclaimed R&B musical guru and singer, Joe, came out with a song years ago entitled "All or Nothing". In the opening verse of this persuasive song he says, "I've gotta have all or nothing, Baby with me there is no maybe, If you want to be my lady,
It's all or nothing. Poignantly speaking, this is exactly how the vast majority of us feel. Women, contrary to what we (as men) may try to portray, if you allow us to push the envelope; we will continue to push it without restraint for boundaries. Let me put it this way, without boundaries we have a hard time understanding when to say no.

At some point in your friendship or relationship, there has to be that conversation of, "so what are we doing, building, or working towards". I know within this new millennium women have been taught not to ask men those questions because you may run the risk of running them away. And for the first few times you hang out I would wholeheartedly agree. You never want to share too much too soon. But understand, if you don't have this conversation...while you are thinking that he is only into you and is no longer "playing the field", he on the other hand may not be thinking like that. And actually, it is OK for him to "play the field", until there is conversation not to. Many of you have been debating on whether or not to have this talk - and if you've debated back and forth; I think now is the time. You owe it to your emotional stability to sleep at night knowing where he/she stands in your life.

Love Lost

I was recently asked by a few special people in my life, if going back to an old love is wrong or outdated. Boldly speaking, I don't see it as a bad thing or something you shouldn't consider. There is a reason you were initially attracted to that person equally as there is a stronger reason why you are no longer with that person. Although, the weight of letting them go tipped the scale over; there is undoubtedly an amount of love you still have for that person.

The # 1 thing you need to consider, reconsider, and consider again is, can you live with the fact that if you go back that the person is still the same? Honestly, the reason you parted was because there was an imbalance and there was not a compromise the two of you could agree on. And because of that, what you are saying if you go back is - you are willing to compromise NOW. You are willing to let go of the area you so wish he/she would change. The love you have for them has gotten to the place it has overshadowed that flaw. And if you are at the place, I applaud you and embrace you going back and reigniting that love again. If you are not at that place, don't do yourself or them a disservice by returning. The road is wide, plenty of opportunity for your heart to breathe again and one day love again.

Emergency Exit

If you've ever flown anywhere, you would remember the monotone, rehearsed speech of the flight attendant ushering everyone to wear their seatbelt and be mindful of the emergency exits. The emergency exit is not supposed to be used unless there is an emergency. You wouldn't think of opening the emergency exit if everything on the flight is going well. But, in the error of life, if the plane was experiencing technical difficulties, the emergency exit is used as Plan B.

Many of us have not thought about a Plan B when it comes to relationships. Like the emergency exit, Plan B should not be used unless there is an emergency. Im not talking about a fight over who paid the last bill, a fight over where you want to spend this years vacation, or a fight over what school the kids should go to; but im talking about being in a relationship where you are the only one who is giving and the other person is merely just "milking" the relationship. They have no intention to give anything and have even professed they are not adding anything else to the relationship. Truth be told, this is why a lot of women stay in broken and dilapidated relationships. Not because they don't deserve better because God knows that you do, but you stay because you have no other option. You have not created a Plan B and now that it is an emergency; you are forced to stay in a dead end relationship.

You are worth more than a broken or one-sided relationship. Let me remind you what you desire in your heart, you can have. Your current condition is not your final destination. When the door shuts; make sure you know how to get to the back room and pry open the window! Your best days are ahead of you...

Im Not the One who Hurt You

Subconsciously, we allow the pain and hurt from "old" relationships to permeate new ones. We don't do it on purpose, but just like if someone tries to hit you; naturally your body will flinch and protect itself against the attack. That is the same way we respond to hurt. Once we have been hurt we develop a natural tendency to "flinch" the next time someone tries to hurt us.

Our minds remember the symptoms that resulted in the hurt. And so, if our new relationship shows symptoms of hurt, we "flinch". Sometimes our "flinching" is warranted and other times its not. For example, if the one who hurt you was texting someone he shouldn't be and you found it; does that mean you should look through your next relationship's phone? No, it doesn't, but often times we make the next person pay for what the last one did.

At some point, you are going to have to let that go and recognize they are not them and as long as you continue to treat them like they are you will never grow (alone or together). I want you to grow and experience the bliss in your relationship. Remember not to make the new one pay for the old one's mistakes.

Man In the Mirror

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"! Half truth because we are just as concerned or more with how we view ourselves as we are in how someone else views us. We spend more time in the mirror than we conveniently remember. We wake up in the mirror removing last nights sleep from our eyes; passing mirrors, readjusting, taking bathroom breaks to readjust; standing in front of the tinted parked SUV to get a glimpse of our reflection readjusting, and if you are a woman - you have that small mirror in your purse you reach for several times throughout the day.

There is nothing wrong with how many times you readjust and self reflect throughout the day - as long as you like what you see! No one can give you a compliment that resonates as deep as your own compliment. When you leave the house in the morning and you tell yourself you "look great", it doesn't matter as much if someone you come across during the day doesn't share the same sentiment. If you spend your life dressing to impress the eyes of others then you will never be satisfied because you won't satisfy everyone. But, if you carry yourself in the nature of the beautiful person you are - then the aura that comes with that will magnetize those around you. If no one told you today - you are beautiful!

Love Jones

There are some things in life that are inevitable. Success and failure are just two of the many. In the movie, Love Jones, actor Larenz Tate attempts to control how he feels about Nia Long. His demeanor suggested that the more time he spent with her; the more his feelings for her would develop. In an attempt not to allow his feelings to overwhelm him; he takes two giant steps back. Doesn't that sound familiar? Yes, I'm talking about you; and me as well! When we have something so good, fear of the unknown causes us to take two giant steps back. Some call it a defensive mechanism. But what are we really defending? We are defending the possibility of heartbreak. But again, some things are inevitable. Your heart may have been broken before or you may have no idea what it feels to have your heart broken; regardless where you fall in that category - you owe it to yourself to try! Why? Well, if you watched the rest of the movie, Larenz Tate took his two giant steps back and realized his life was no longer the same. The woman he tried so hard not to fall for - he had already fallen for and didn't realize it. So now that his life was unbalanced without her he did the smartest thing he could have done - run like hell and find her! When that love jones hits...there is no stopping it!

Jodeci

I have been flooded with emails and letters about people wondering about "intimacy". How important is it? If its not there, is it something that can be taught? Should it be one of my non-negotiables? While I understand that everyone's intimate need is different; what is the same and universal is everyone's need to feel "desired".

The crux of intimacy, no matter what ingredients you need, is the feeling to be desired. We all want to be desired! Being desired is not always captured in words of affection or affirmation, but is transferred through touch. We watch it on tv, we read it in steamy novels, and we talk about it with our closest friends. But all many of us do is talk about it, but never really experience what it is you desire.

I challenge each of you to start having those conversations. It is a part of relationships that doesn't come with a blueprint or directions. The part of relationships our parents have not groomed us in growing up. And the part of relationships that many of us have learned by trial and error. It doesn't have to be any longer if you open your mouth and feel comfortable expressing what it is you truly need and desire. Go and find that old school throwback CD, put it in, press play and let your mind be your playground!

I Want More (out of you)

Sometimes the inspiration to rekindle or to make right what seems like 'can't get right' is our ability to be selfless! Our selfish proclivity is innate. We have to go against what feels right or comfortable to be selfless. Nothing wrong with wanting what you want, but more times than not, the price you pay for what you want is not spoon fed or given on a silver platter. That price comes with seasons of being selfless. I mean seasons! You can't decide to be selfless for 30 days or even 12 months. Being selfless has to be part of your daily routine; which means sometimes you have to remind your self to be selfless. Its not easy. Put up sticky notes, write it on your outlook calendar as a reminder, have your accountability partner check in with you daily and ask you what selfless thing you did today. You want your relationship to go to the next level. It starts with you. Good luck on your journey. I believe in you!

The Shortage of Good Men

I find that the perilous notion that there is a shortage of good men is becoming more and more of a myth. While we have adopted this belief through the annals of tradition, I am convinced that good men still exist and are in record numbers. Yes, the % of men that are in jail has increased significantly, but so has the % of men who are graduating college; with not just a BA, but with Masters and PhD. The number of men who are homeowners has almost doubled from 2o years ago. The number of men who are own their own businesses has almost tripled from 20 years ago. So, its not that men are less successful now than men were 20 years ago; in fact men are more successful today. So what is the plight about the shortage of men? Well, the interesting X factor that very few people talk about is the amount of women who are doing it and doing it BIG! I applaud today's business professional woman who is making it on her own and is standing on her two feet. You (as women) have fought hard for this and it has come to fruition.

Now that women are standing on their own two feet and do not need to depend on a man for her financial stability and dependence; the game has changed. What women once looked at as being qualities to define a good man; such as good job, nice car, bank account, nice house now do not seem to be as attractive because today's woman has nicer jobs, bigger homes, and larger bank accounts than a lot of us men. And so the qualities have changed from material to aesthetic and emotional. Ok, I understand he has to be attractive for you, but the emotional part you have to give us some time. Some of those attributes being: a great listener, sensitive, patient, and understanding have not been taught to most men. We didn't grow up learning how to be great listeners, or sensitive, or even patient. And so, will you take the time to teach us? Men have been trained to be providers and now that women are providing for themselves, you must show us how to do the other things you need. Good men still exist; just show us how to be more of the things you desire and have an open mind to allow us to show you what we need as well!

Can We Talk

Often times our routine lifestyles hinder us from experiencing consistent excitement in our relationships. Instead of having open communication about what it is "missing" or even what we desire; we have enlisted in the belief that our significant others can read our minds, thoughts, and our aggravated body language.

Try talking about everything. I know we have been taught not to share everything at once in case we scare off a good thing. But I am confident in suggesting that if you don't share everything you run the risk of someone attending to only the needs you show them and the desires you speak about. I would rather lose someone in my life because what I share is too much for them to handle; rather than keep someone in my life and constantly walk on egg shells out of fear of them finding out the dark, secret side of me.

The excitement you seek is in the conversation you have yet to have. Talk about what turns you on, what you expect, if anything, places you would like to travel, things you would like to accomplish, and dreams yet to be fulfilled. When you do, you have someone who is in your circle to encourage and excite every inch of you!

The Closer I Get to You

You can make anything work, but why make something work when you can have someone you don't have to work so hard for. They say anything worth having is worth working for. That is true. But placing our efforts of "work" in a place where we have settled is different from placing our efforts of "work" in a place where we have surrendered our hearts.

The problem with submitting our hearts is submission comes with a price. And that price is riskier than any of us really want to make. Women will go for what is safe and secure and not risk giving their heart to someone who may not feel the same about them. Many make this choice because it is easier to deal with a man who has given her his heart than it is for a woman to surrender her heart to a man who is still unsure of where he really wants to be. Women are not interested in men who fluctuate like rain in the month of April. They are not interested in men who "think" they know what they want. Today's woman is tired of being with a man who almost has it all together. I'm not referring to his shortcomings or frailties. Women for years have learned to deal with that side of us, but what many women are refusing to deal with more and more these days is a man who wants her as his lover some days and a woman who he can treat like one of the boys on others. Women are no longer being toyed with like a trophy that collects dust over top the mantle in the living room. I can hear all of your whispers now, "It is either me or it's not me." And I applaud you!

Grocery Store

Over the weekend, I was in the grocery store buying some last minute items for the anticipated annual Memorial Day BBQ. As I stood in the self check line scanning my few items, I noticed that there was a rotten apple core and a yogurt cup sitting in the bottom of the plastic bag I was putting my groceries in. How rude was it that someone decided to throw their trash away here? I was appalled and even considered not coming back to this particular grocery store. As I removed the dingy plastic bag and replaced it with the clean bag underneath, I begin to think about relationships. Many of us would like to walk into a relationship and know that the person we've met has no issues or major problems. Contrary to what we've been taught, searching for a relationship without issues or problems will never happen. Like the grocery bag, we all have baggage or issues. Each one of us. There is a flaw, shortcoming, indiscretion, and quirk that befalls each of us. There is no getting around it. What we need to be careful of is that we do not accept trash instead of baggage. Trash has an odor and affects everything around it. No matter how you much lysol you spray, the pungent odor of trash will overcome the cleanliness. Trash is another way of saying your "non negotiables". Recognize today what things in a relationship you can handle and what things you can not. You know yourself better than anyone. Write down on a piece of paper 5 things that you absolutely won't be able to live with. I'm not talking about futile, silly things like a person who has smelly feet or no sense of fashion. Those are both things that can be changed. Keep this list handy, so as you pursue a new relationship or rekindle an existing one; know if its worth staying or worth getting into by examining your list. Do yourself this favor and the other person. No one wants to waste time or have their time wasted.

JO